Would Shed

Don't tell anybody but ...

2010-11-23T19:45:00.001-08:00

...there is a chance I am actually losing weight.

"After all, tomorrow is another day"

2010-11-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

Not so much day by day as hour by hour.

Made it through Hallowe'en with ingesting no more than half a dozen Tootsie Rolls and two mini chocolate bars.

There's baking on the counter, cookies for lunches, cupcakes a friend brought by, as I'm laid up with back issues (likely due in some part to obesity) ...I make sure there's a bowl of cheerful cherry tomatoes and bright green snap peas on that same counter so I have a chance to reconsider before having "just one" cookie.

Not that I couldn't have a cookie. It's just that losing 100 pounds will happen faster if I don't have one.

Favourite snack this week? Pickled asparagus.

I haven't been weighed in a few weeks - too many people doing my driving for me as it is, and the nutritionist is way across town and I am oddly reluctant to talk numbers yet, for some reason. That's not precisely true - I don't mind saying I started this journey at pretty much exactly the same place I started last time, which was still at least a dozen pounds lower than my highest ever.

Onward and downward. Pass the pickles.

In the interest of full disclosure ...

2010-10-26T07:39:00.001-07:00

I do over-eat. I have entire weeks where I do not, however, and I am still profoundly obese.

That word "glutton" though - that one's annoying me. You'd think a glutton would enjoy eating, no?

Buckle up, this could be a long one.

2010-10-20T16:10:00.000-07:00

Point the First: I just really really dislike anonymous comments. If you have something to say, say it. I'm almost 50. I can take it. Don't make me lie awake at three in the morning wondering if you're someone I know. When I'm awake at three am, I like to be praying for people.

Point the Second: I have no doubt that Anonymous had the best of intentions. Please refrain from comments addressed to Anonymous.

Point the Third : I am in no way arguing with the veracity of Crystal Munson's experience. She represents a percentage of people, overweight or not, who have a problem with gluttony.

Okay now the real point:

Someone left a comment earlier this week, that I will cut and paste here:

a message for any Christian woman who struggles with overeating ...
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/christian-womanhood-/gluttony

At the word "overeating", my eyebrows twitched a little. (My eyebrows had managed to overlook the word "woman" - is overeating an exclusively X chromosome issue? Je pense que ...non.) Then I hit the word "gluttony" and my eyebrows went way high up, and I closed my computer.

"God speaks to us through other people", I often tell other people. I thought about that as I took the dog for a (very short - see back injury) walk.
Later that night, when everyone was in bed, I clicked on the link and listened. I prayed to listen with an open mind. I prayed that if God had something for me to learn, that He would make that clear to me.

Here is my reaction.

Lie #1. Everyone who is overweight over-eats.

Lie #2. Everyone who is overweight has a problem with gluttony.

We make assumptions about people's eating habits based on their appearance.

We make assumptions about people's eating habits based on their size.

We are often wrong.

Regarding Lie #1 - sure, caloric input vs caloric output results in weight gain if input exceeds output. In a body that is working properly. I am NOT defensive here, I am using myself as an example because that's what I have to work with :) I am not even saying that I don't overeat BUT I eat less junk food than anyone else in my house, and I am the most obese, because if I don't eat the right kinds of foods, I put on weight. If I eat simple carbs as opposed to complex carbs, I will put on weight, because of what that makes insulin do in my body. If my diet does not have a high enough proportion of vegetables, I will gain weight, because of what that makes insulin do in my body.

Now, that being said, there are definitely times when I overeat. However, there are people who overweight who do not overeat. I've met them. And I can say with a clear conscience, at this point in my life, I am one of them.

#Lie 2 Gluttony.

What do you think when you think of gluttony? Eating too much, or, as some peope phrase it, making food more important than God. Obsessing about food, thinking about food, lying about food, hiding what you eat - the list goes on.

I think the weight battle is a process. I don't think about food much - it's likely why I'm overweight. I eat without paying attention. I snack while I'm making supper, because I'm in the kitchen, and there's food.

So is that sin? Is the fact that food was a comfort when I was a child, a comfort I am working to let go of, a sin?

I don't think so. I most emphatically do not think so.

When I was younger - maybe. Maybe I could have said food was a kind of god to me then. I thought about it a lot. I would eat before I left the house just in case I got hungry while I was gone. I couldn't walk by a plate of cookies without having one.

I have worked to lose weight, off and on, throughout my adult life. The reasons have varied - I hate the way I look, or I hate the way I look, or I hate the way I look :) but now it's health reasons. I am tired of hearing "it would help if you could lose weight." without actually losing weight. Every weight loss program I have tried has contributed to my current attitudes toward food and weight loss issues, and I am a work in progress.

I am currently, right now today, a fat person who does not overeat and who is not a glutton. I can't be the only one in the world.

And I thought maybe the rest of the overweight nongluttons who don't overeat could use a post written in their defense.

So how's it going?

2010-10-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

How do people eat six cups of vegetables in a day? And then all that other stuff? There's no WAY I'm eating everything on my "Basic (with Choices)" list.

I am determined, however, that this will be sustainable, so there are a few things I refuse to do. I'm not buying artificial sweetener for one cup of coffee a day, in fact, I don't DO "artificial" food.

Mainstays of my diet so far: turkey pepperoni sticks (seriously? who invented that? They should get a lot of gold stars. I should knit them dishcloths.) and snap peas.

I am hungry all afternoon, usually, but that's insulin resistance rearing its ugly head. I have a filling lunch and half an hour later, excess insulin starts buzzing through my body shouting lies like "You are still hungry!! You must store fat!!" I ignore the insulin and listen to soothing music.

Yesterday I was listening to John Denver and wanted to punch him in the face for being such a pansy Pollyanna.

So the soothing thing doesn't necessarily always work.

Slowest weight loss in history

2010-10-15T17:48:00.000-07:00

And yet again ...attempts will be made.

You know what's really smart? Starting a new eating plan while you're sitting at home babying your back so it stops hurting so you can freaking sleep at night.

I told someone today it's a good thing I'm not a drinker, or I'd be making calls at 3 a.m. to everyone I spoke to today, apologizing for being so cranky.

Curves Update #2

2009-11-02T09:39:00.000-08:00

I bet it's good for me.

Curves Update

2009-10-24T09:56:00.001-07:00

*ow*

Every six months or so ...

2009-10-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

I drop in here.

Sorry to be inundating you like this.

Joined Curves last week, and even, you know, went and Did Workout Things yesterday.

Am not dead yet.

Go me.

Seriously the slowest weight loss in history

2009-05-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

HOWEVER.

I am STILL within 5 lbs of where I was when I stopped the rapid weight loss of a few years ago, so I am choosing not to hate myself.

Also tomorrow I am going to do better. Maybe even today I will eat copious quantities of fresh veggies because I do so love the veggies.

"God bless God. Sometimes He just knows what He's doing."

2008-01-14T10:13:00.000-08:00

(No, I don’t remember where that quote is from, but it stuck with me.)

So …weight loss, you say?

You may remember that I lost somewhere between 20 and 30 lbs almost a year ago, and then lost nothing for months on end. I bet some of you even wondered how much of it I’d gained back in the interim.

The answer to that is – none, as far as I can tell, until Christmas. I gained 5-ish lbs over Christmas, I think. One Sunday, about a week ago (maybe a bit more) I woke up and said to myself “Right, then. This is the day. You know what to do – you know how many protein and how many vegetables and you know what worked for you. Do it.”

And I did. Monday at work I walked past the smorgasbord of goodies without even caring. All week it went like that – one day I had a kiwi-filled chocolate just to see what they tasted like (ick) and another day I had another sort of candy thing – but both times it was a matter of choice, not a lack of self-control. Amazing. By Friday the Christmas gain was gone …

Several times that week I almost posted here, thanking whoever it was that was praying for me, because that’s the only explanation I had – and late last week, came the e-mail:

“You’ve been on my mind all week, so I’ve been praying for you.”

Thank you, and thank You.

Okay here's the deal

2007-11-23T12:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Stupid Person In Charge of This Body:

Remember that insulin resistant thing? How your body CAN'T HANDLE sugar?

The next time you think "Oh I'll just have a muffin" and then "and a donut" and then "and one of THESE donuts" and then "well it's just SMALL" please remember this feeling.

It is three hours post-donut-binge and your brain has sprouted talons and is trying to claw its way out through your eyeballs. This would bother you more if you weren't trying so desperately hard not to puke.

Good thing you don't work a full day on Fridays.

Oh wait, you do.

Man, that was thinking.

Well I lied a bit

2007-10-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

I do have some clue what I weigh, and I do care. I've been stuck at the same weight since March. HOWEVER, I have not gained.

I'm back to jokes about getting my lips sewed shut, which have worked so well as a weight loss plan in the past. (Not)

Oh whatever

2007-10-17T21:07:00.001-07:00

no clue what I weigh, and I don't care.

Turning Point?

2007-08-31T06:27:00.000-07:00

So I'm still being careful, but not super careful. Probably not quite careful enough, and wondering how to jump start things again so that I'm snacking on the Mighty Vegetable and not whatever protein happens to be handy, or bread. And my weight has been 261 or 262, 265 at night when my feet are puffy.

Last week I caught myself and actually spit a slice of bologna into the trash before I swallowed it, and suddenly there I was, looking for veggie snacks again.

And this week I've consistently been below 260.

Such a long long haul. Remind me why I didn't go to Dr Bernstein again?

Okay something's off

2007-08-23T19:58:00.001-07:00

I'm starting to do some more reading about insulin resistance. I started to a bit ago, and then quit when I read the line "most likely the cause of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome" because I wasn't quite ready to count the teeth in that particular dragon's mouth. If I ever am, I'll likely post about it over at the third blog that's listed on my profile.

The reason I'm doing this is that apparently cutting almost all sugar out of my diet isn't quite enough to control things, and I'm not talking about weight loss here. The past few days I have been ravenous all day long, which is VERY annoying. SHUT UP, I tell my stomach, I just ate. A big salad. Weren't you watching? ("Hey body! you are hungry!" is apparently one of the things insulin does - so if I'm eating, but ravenous, there's too much of it around)

So far, here's what I want to ask the nutritionist about.

1. Cinnamon (yep, cinnamon) is reported to help your body process sugar. Fact or myth?

2. Any other foods that help out with that, other than the magic goji berry which cures any ailment on the planet and possibly on some other planets too? (Seriously, google goji. It's too good to be true!)

3. Glucophage/metformin? yes? no? People use it, notably people who have PCOS and want to get pregnant, but has it been used in treatment of insulin resistance? Do I want a stomach ache for the rest of my life? (glucophage is Not Nice to your digestive system, apparently)

4. There's a book The Insulin Resistance Diet: How to Turn Off Your Body's Fat-Making Machine, and I'm wondering if she's heard of it or tried it or if anybody out there randomly googling things has any ideas. One of the things I picked up from scanning bits of it is that it's based on balancing certain kinds of foods with other foods so that - oh I don't know, and my hand hurts too much to go google-digging again. However, it made it sound like more vegetables = fewer Lies from the Insulin Brat, and I'm in favour of that.

Want to know why my hand hurts? Go it read about it the other place.

I feel like I should say something

2007-08-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

There's not much to report. There are good days and bad days and up day and down days but I think I'm not paying enough attention to what I eat and when. However, I've pretty much totally given up sugar, but! not because I feel guilty if I eat it.

When there's something sugary on offer, the internal monologue goes like this:

Whoa. That looks good. I think I'll have a small - oh wait. I'm insulin resistant. If I eat that, I will be very tired tomorrow, and I will also probably feel really hungry right after supper even though I am full. Also please remember you have the will power of dried paint so once the taste is in your mouth you will want more. And you will be more tired, and tomorrow you will just be cranky and tired and ...cakeless.

Suddenly it doesn't seem worth it :)

Caffeine-free Diet Coke

2007-08-12T09:57:00.000-07:00

Why? As a vehicle to ingest aspartame?

It certainly can't be the *taste*.

hardly a day by day posting thing, is it?

2007-08-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

Still plugging away at it. No more lost, nothing gained. Am not paying the strictest attention to what goes in on a daily basis, and that's obvious. Am starting to feel elephantine again, so presumably that will eventually be enough to get me geared up again.

drinking lots of water, and am trying to exercise. Latest fun exercise - Par 3 golf with B and B. (A would have come but she was at camp)

Roast is starting to smell roasted - must go think up things to eat with it.

Smaller is the new Big

2007-07-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

So really, nobody should try this weight loss thing on their own. Or maybe you can, but I can't.

This morning in the bathtub I looked down at my stomach and gasped in horror. I climbed out of the tub to find out how many of those hard-fought pounds I'd gained, that I could suddenly look so ...dare I say it ...fat. (you will remember that I'm 260 lbs) The scale said ...259.

And for a second all those old patterns of thought leaped to their feet, like a puppy who hears her owner coming home from work. "Loser! You're still fat! Who did you think you were kid-" they gambolled at my feet, vying for attention.

I felled them with a thought, or more accurately, a memory, of the lovely nutritionist saying "One day you'll feel overweight again, and you'll buckle down."

Of course I will, annoying voices in my head. You don't know a thing. I'm going to buckle down, because Catherine said I would, and she's a DOCTOR.

So there.

Well that was either encouraging or depressing

2007-06-22T06:45:00.000-07:00

Hit the magic 20 lbs this week. I've lost 20 lbs. I've slowwwwwwed dowwwwn drastically, but the nutritionist refuses to think I am a waste of skin and must be castigated for this obvious lack of focus. True to form, I wrapped some syllables around my discomfort, and came over all introspective.

"What I'd like to know" I said "and what I realize I need to work out for myself, is what is wrong with me. Why can't I sustain the momentum? Why am I sabotaging myself?"

She smiled gently. She has a lovely smile. "You're feeling good about yourself. You haven't seen 260 lbs in 5 years - it feels good to be here. You're noticing that you're smaller and you have more energy and it's hard to stay motivated when you're feeling so good."

I nod. Yes I am such a stupid loser that way. Do I think 260 pounds is slim? No I do not. So why am I acting like it is?

"One day 260 will feel crappy again" she continues, "and you'll buckle down again."

I blink at her. It's hard to know what to say with that great big neon sign flashing "L-O-S-E-R" across my frontal lobe.

"That doesn't make you a bad person." she says, and it's like - it's that shock of delight you get when you drink clear cold water out of a tin cup dipped in a mountain stream on a blistering hot backpacking day.

Yes it does, I think, and then, Wow. That's a lie. It doesn't make me a bad person. There is nothing to kick myself around the block about here. Wow.

"Also," she said, "you need to know that I have seen people in your situation who have gained back 15 of the 12 lbs they have lost. You are doing GREAT."

So ... huh. 20 lbs. Below 260. 30 lbs below my highest ever. Pound by pound.

I'm normal.

Mrs Cranky left too

2007-05-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

Now you're stuck with just me.

Headed to DisneyWorld for a week's holidays in a few days ...I called and made an appointment with the nutritionist for after we get back, because I have to stop pretending I don't wonder what I weigh :) Also I expect to be walking like a mad fiend at DW and that's good, right?

I seem to be consistently below 260 now. I'd like that more if I hadn't been in that space for several weeks, but I'm still miles ahead of where I was a year ago at this time. (blood pressure, medicated, last year at this time: 130/90something. BP yesterday, still medicated? 108/68. woo Frickin' hoo!)

Pollyanna doesn't live here

2007-05-10T12:18:00.000-07:00

Man, I hate summer. I don't mind gardening and long days in the shade (not so much a sun-lover, me) and barbecues and canoe rides and I used to like backpacking, back when I could freakin' walk ...but man oh man nothing makes a fat person notice fat like summer clothes. Sassy little dresses and cute shorts and sleeveless shirts and snappy little sandals ...and I can't wear any of it. I can't even find flippin' sandals that don't look I intercepted a shipment on the way to the ortho rehab ward, because my feet are shaped like something hacked off the end of a 2X4. Even shoes built for wide feet look lovely and shapely in the box, and by the time I've wedged my stalwart German foot into them, they're square.

Mostly I try to ignore summer, and wear jeans all the time and hide in the shade in my old lady shoes.

It's a fun fun season.

Still chipping away at it

2007-05-06T08:24:00.000-07:00

Not a size 6 yet, nothing spectacular to report.

The next question I'm going to ask the nutritionist is "How can I stop thinking about food all day long?"

Wait, wait! Maybe there are a few things to report.

1) I'm of the opinion that the weight loss doesn't show, much, yet. It feels better but I don't think it's noticeable. Except when I picked B up from a play date yesterday, his friend's Mom said "I've noticed you've lost a lot of weight."

Okay maybe it shows a tiny bit.

2) I realized yesterday that I'm going up and down stairs in this house like a normal person, some days. I've waited for that for a year and a half. I think it's glucosamine + weight loss + exercise, but whatever it is, I'm very pleased.

It occurs to me ...

2007-04-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

that I should go get weighed, already, to know just how discouraged I really am.

All's quiet on the western front

2007-04-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

Or whatever.

So nothing to report here. No great losses, no appreciable gain. Sometimes the universe conspires to make me behave. Two cases in point*:

1. I am thirsty. There is no diet soda and I don't want water or milk or tea or coffee. (I am possibly cranky because I have a cold, as well) I think "I don't care!!!" and crack open a Coke. A comes in just as I take the first gulp. "Mom!" she says "That's not Diet!"

"Thank you", I say, and hand her the Coke.

2. I am hungry. I am at work. There is a vending machine that sells handfulls of snackage for $1, with the proceeds going to the Mustard Seed (ie worthy organization) There are one or two nut-related choices, but I decided "I DON't CARE!" and purchase yogurt-covered somethings. Or rather, I try to. The machine takes my dollar and gives me a quarter of a peanut, and a few flakes of yogurt.

I am discouraged, but I'm not quitting. I'm a lot more mobile than I was three months ago, and that's worth something.

*what does that phrase mean?? I can't make it make any literal sense.

Still here

2007-03-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

Still soldiering on. I've learned that a wide variety of beverages is one key to success, and another key to success is to make sure to have fresh veggies handy for when you wander over to the fridge and open the door. The weight loss continues, although it is slower than it was, and there are certainly days when I think I'm accomplishing nothing. I've lost focus a bit, but today was a good day. So far. There's still the dreaded making-of-supper hour to get through.

Prayer is always appreciated.

Well hecky do.

2007-03-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

I'm still fat. (But only on the outside, so that's an improvement over the beginning of the year)

Nothing to say here

2007-03-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

...except mmmm Farmer's Market.

Update

2007-03-12T14:58:00.000-07:00

Still here, still fat, still trying.

Sick of veggies today. Want fettucine alfredo and garlic toast and something dripping in fat and butter and it's a good thing I'm a crappy cook.

Did not enjoy the frozen cookie dough Saturday, either.

Also am not here posting this because I am writing a novel. HA.

Assuming my scale isn't broken ...

2007-03-02T13:24:00.000-08:00

I seem to have lost a pound by going off to a castle and eating whatever I wanted at every meal. (I will say that "whatever I want" to eat has changed in the last month - I had very few desserts and loaded up on salad and veggies)

It's my new weight loss plan.

It's only 16 lbs ..

2007-02-25T04:00:00.000-08:00

but I look *tidy* in my clothes. Oh how sweet it is.

Baby steps

2007-02-22T22:50:00.000-08:00

1. Hey, you know that suit jacket I bought in the US this summer that is that odd shade of brown that came with matching pants that were too small?

I really should hem those pants while they still fit me.

2. The underwire on the right side of one of my bras broke the other day, leaving me with very few undergirding options indeed, as things have a way of breaking. I went to Sears at noon today to see if I could get a cheap replacement because things are shrinking, and I found underwire bras for ELEVEN DOLLARS because sometimes cool stuff like that happens on this earth.

3. I'm trying to walk a mile a day. Some days my knee lets me do this, sometimes it whimpers for the rest of the night.

4. I had two bites of the neighbours birthday cake. Just two bites. And it was YUMMY.

5.Do you think McDonald's would let me do commercials if I wrote them and told them I eat their breakfast burritos and I'm still losing weight?

So last month I was ranting at God ...

2007-02-22T22:44:00.000-08:00

(this is one of the great things about God - ranting doesn't faze Him. He made you with that spirit ...)

...as I was limping around with a sore knee and I was asking God "Why now??? I've asked for help losing weight before. Why did You let me go so far???"* and lots of times, there's no answer, or there's a feeling you can interpret as some kind of message but this time these words laid themselves out in my mind:

"Because this time you will Me the credit."

So it's been 15.5 lbs in 4 weeks, which my dear friend MathBrain pointed out was HALF A POUND A DAY and I say to you all, whether you believe in Him or not:

It's all God. "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."

Please don't stop praying. I've got 100 lbs to go, and in dog years, that's 700 lbs of celery.

*yes, I do recognize the pre-teen attitude in that one :)

Something I Won't Miss

2007-02-22T22:43:00.000-08:00

The waitress giving the salad I ordered to the thin person at the table, and giving me a Diet Coke I didn't order.

Thursday Thirteen (words)

2007-02-15T20:54:00.000-08:00

Between Thursday, January 25 and Thursday, February 15, I have lost 13 lbs.

Note to self

2007-02-13T20:02:00.000-08:00

Once you're done supper, get out of the kitchen. If you have lunches to pack (which you do!), do it while you're making supper and trying really hard to wait until supper to eat anything.

Also, if you're desperate, a dill pickle is 7 calories. Loads of taste, and not much dietary impact.

And no, I don't know how you can be constipated with all that fresh fruit and veggies you're eating. Your bowel apparently hates you. Get used to it.

At the nutritionist ...

2007-02-13T06:25:00.000-08:00

talking to a woman whose been going there for over a year ...

"When people ask me if I'm losing weight" she says "I say 'No, I'm just cuter than I used to be.' "

She looks at me. "Think about it. Would they say anything if they thought I was gaining weight? 'So, how much are you planning to gain?' 'Oh, I don't know, twenty, thirty pounds. Maybe forty if it goes really well.' "

The first visit to the nutritionist

2007-02-10T15:43:00.000-08:00

I leave work 2 hours earlier than I need to and went and indulge in some retail therapy because I can not sit still and I have a stomachache and oh boy, do I not want to go, and oh boy, do I know I have to.

I get there, park, take a deep breath. Seem to be a fair number of largish people coming and going. No-one looks annoyed, or bullied. I put on my Good Sport Face and go in.

They give me a form to fill out. Under Goal Weight, I write "HA". I also think "Who said anything about weight loss? I'm here to TALK."

Someone comes to take me behind the curtain and weigh me and measure me. Weight: 279. Measurements: I won't let them tell me.

"Okay" she says "we need a before picture." I stare at her blankly for a few seconds, thinking Before what? I stand where I'm told to. The nurse asks me if I can look a little happier. I shake my head because I know if I talk, I'll cry.

They do a metabolic rate test - funky! You clamp your nose shut (clamp helpfully provided) and breathe solely into a rube for SIX MINUTES. This is a wee bit freaky but the intake lady yaps non-stop for all of those minutes, regaling me with her story of Successful Weight Loss.

Time to talk to the doctor. We make pleasant small talk, aimed to put me at ease, and indeed, I am at ease until she picks up my chart. "I'd just like you to know" I say "that I am cranky and defensive and completely without hope."

She looks at my health history. She asks about the hysterectomy and why, and I mention PCOS, which is the condition I have that caused my infertility. She puts the chart down, and asks me when I am hungriest - before I eat, or afterwards. The answer is afterwards, because, I think, years of consistently crappy eating habits have broken whatever mechanism my body has for telling me anything meaningful about my need for food. Her smile is as sudden and enlightened as it is confusing to me.

"Have you ever heard the term insulin resistant?" she asks.

You can google it if you like, but basically it has to do with how the body processes sugar, or, in my case, doesn't really, so much. For whatever reason, a glucose cell in my body is not readily broken down by my insulin, so I produce more and more of it. Eventually there's enough of an onslaught that the glucose is broken down, but then there's all this insulin floating around my body with nothing to do except LIE TO ME.

"Do you know what excess insulin does for you?" she asks.

I don't.

"It tells you two things. One, that you are hungry, and two, that you need to store fat."

That's when I start to cry for real.

Friday Five

2007-02-09T06:37:00.000-08:00

1. Had two links taken out of my watchband yesterday.

2. So I've got this suit I bought, a while back - had to buy the pants just a shade too small because the size 24 jacket was too big, but the size 22 pants were too small. I opted for the jacket that fit, thinking "I could lose 10lbs and then they'd fit." That was three years ago.

I wore the pants to work today.

3. Earlier this year, the diamond fell out of my wedding ring. I went through the utter humiliation of having it cut off, fixed, and resized.

It's loose now.

4. Every Thursday, we take turns bringing breakfast into work. The woman who brought breakfast in yesterday baked sugar-free muffins especially for me.

5. I'm down another 1/2 lb. 9 lbs in two weeks? I'll take it :)

The day so far

2007-02-07T11:36:00.000-08:00

A fried me an egg, for taking the dog out for her (her idea, not mine) so no breakfast burrito from McD's.

I get to work and there are DONUTS in the coffee room. I run away, and tell everyone who sits near me not to let me into the coffee room. I even go buy coffee downstairs to avoid them.

I have not yet had a donut - this is my extra resolve, because I have one now, I have to admit it.

Kassi! Pass the cukes!

Awww

2007-02-07T07:27:00.000-08:00

Lasat night the kids were building a fort close to where I was sewing and I stood up to go get something and said "Remember a fat person has to get through this gap - can you move the table three feet east?" and A said "Don't say fat person. Say 'soon to be thin person'."

Things I'm Learning

2007-02-07T07:21:00.000-08:00

(first, in the interest of full disclosure, I ate two ginger snaps last night.)

1. Fresca can taste good. In fact, it is possible to like Fresca so much that when you take the last can, you check the clock to see if you can run out that night and get some more. However, I'm trying to keep it to one can a day, because of the aspartame.

2. If I don't have my food diary with me, I won't write it down. And I won't remember and I won't remember to count everything until I'm halfway through the extra serving of whateveritis that I thought I hadn't had yet.

3. If you ask your children to put away the ice cream, they will poke around and ignore you. If you add "before I eat some", they will slam the lid on the container and dash out to the deepfreeze like they're putting out a fire.

4. Leftover roast beef instead of hamburger in the hamburger soup recipe is delicious.

5. It is very hard not to snack while grating cheese or packing lunches or making supper.

If anything, this is making me realize how much I was eating that I thought was okay because it was fruit or protein.

just for Kassi, because they don't speak English in New Zealand

2007-02-05T11:27:00.001-08:00

cukes = cucumbers

A funny thing happened on my way to the wood shed ...

2007-02-05T11:22:00.000-08:00

So I started this blog where I told the whole world what I weighed and that I was going to try to change that and I was just thinking in terms of transparency, etc, and then ...

People commented. They said kind things and I was mightily encouraged and I realized - wow. Comments matter. On my other blog, I try not to care - I throw stuff up there, TecnhoGeek reads it, the rest is gravy. On THIS blog - it's an amazing boost and encouragement to hear from you. Even if all you say is "!"

so thanks, and please don't stop.

[aside]

2007-02-05T11:21:00.001-08:00

That there sesame flat bread I got at Costco is delicious!

In retrospect

2007-02-05T11:20:00.000-08:00

30 grape tomatoes all at once is possibly not the wisest choice.

On the plus side, I am no longer constipated.

From the high to the low till the end of the show ...

2007-02-04T07:52:00.000-08:00

So last week was all roses and sunshine and wow! food tastes good again! and wow! do I feel good and I have been myself long enough to seriously distrust those moods, and I was waiting for the crash and let me just say ...

writing down everything you eat is annoying and vegetables are annoying and arthritis is annoying and sun blaring in my face while I'm driving is annoying and six servings of protein in a day is annoying and who says I can only have 4 pieces of fruit and why can't I just sit down with a jar of mustard and that leftover roast beef?? Protein is GOOD FOR YOU.

All that said, I still stuck to the program. I drove by a place called Extreme Pita and thought "HA! I'm RIGHT in the mood for EXTREME!" and I walked in and said "I'm on a diet and I'm ticked off! I'll take half a small pita stuffed with every kind of vegetable you have!" and oh heavens, there were mushrooms and olives and cukes and bruschetta and green peppers and onions and just the tiniest sprinkling of feta cheese and it tasted really really good.

And then to top it off I ate 30 grape tomatoes, cause that's how many fit in a cup.

and today is another day in which I can perhaps find some middle ground

Well that was a waste of a good stomach ache

2007-02-01T17:33:00.000-08:00

I drive the 20 minutes from work to the Clinic trying not to think of a number. Trying not to get my hopes up so that a modest loss will not be disappointing. Praying for perspective, and that no matter how discouraging the result is, I won't give up, because I have nothing else to try.

I walk in and I have to take off my socks and shoes and stand on a scale that measures your BMI. It's a weird wee machine, and there are numbers all over the place.

I point to a number. "What's that?"

The nurse* looks up. "Oh, that's your weight."

I make shocked noises, and burst into tears. And stop crying for a few minutes and try to speak and then burst into tears again.

From June 2006 to late Jan 2007, trying on my own, I've managed to lose 3 lbs.

From January 25, 2007, to February 1, 2007, with a bit of help, I'm 8 1/2 lbs lighter.

EIGHT AND A HALF POUNDS.

Pass the celery.

*I don't know if she's a nurse. I don't know what to call her. It's the lady at the place, okay?

I was going to wait and do this all in order and stuff ...

2007-02-01T10:41:00.000-08:00

but last night I chose to read a book and go to sleep instead of blogging.

I'm going back to the nutritionist today. Pretty good week, food wise - hasn't been really difficult to change things, so far.

I'm terrified that I haven't lost any weight.

[taps mike] Is this thing still on?

2007-01-29T06:27:00.000-08:00

So ...Tuesday.

I had an appointment to go see a nutritionist on Thursday. I'd had this appointment for several months. I was cranky about this appointment because I am clearly much smarter than anyone whose entire job is helping people lose weight. However, it was free, so I supposed it couldn't hurt to show up. I had to bring a three day food diary with me. I was cranky about that, too, and then I started writing down what I ate. I started to notice a pattern.

Breakfast: McDonald's breakfast burrito, and large coffee with cream and sugar.

Voice in my head: shouldn't eat at McDonald's, shouldn't have cream and sugar in your coffee.

Lunch: a croissant with turkey and swiss cheese

Voice in my head: should've been whole wheat bread

Snack after work, while walking the dog: A large apple.

Voice in my head: This apple is too large.

Realization: There is not ONE SINGLE THING I eat that I don't feel guilty about.

Maybe, I thought, just maybe, the nutritionist could help me get a handle on that?

Yes, well, ahem

2007-01-27T17:01:00.000-08:00

So Monday I went to see the knee surgeon who was going to say "You have a schnarharking thrumskillion, which will disappear over time, just be patient." and I was going to go back to my regularly schedule life in which I was primarily happy except for one area in which I was completely defeated and hopeless and hated myself.

Except the knee surgeon hadn't read the script, and what he said instead was "You have nothing mechanically wrong with your knee. You have arthritis, and you need to be at your ideal weight." Now, he was much gentler and kinder than that, but that's the bottom line.

Wow, was I encouraged. I haven't seen my ideal weight since I was 12. And maybe not even then. Decades of attempts at getting it off and keeping it off have resulted in me weighing in at 280 lbs, and completely convinced that in this one area of my life, I would never experience success. So I sobbed all over the doctor's office and sobbed all the way home and basically had a nervous breakdown (one of those handy ones where you're sort of kind of able to function the next day) for the evening.

I don't know why this is the one that hit me so hard. My GP told me in June, after looking at my knee, "You need to get thin." I looked at all 87 pounds of her and thought "Yes well, and what if I told you you needed to grow a penis? Let's have a race! GO!"

Maybe it was watching my family go backpacking without me this summer. Maybe it was the crushing sense of failure, and the realization (however erroneous) that every single health problem I have ever had is my own fault. Who knows? It shattered me.

But I was certain of one thing. I am incapable of losing weight. I have tried and tried and tried and it can't be done.

"Finally", said God, "you're in a place where we can get something done."

And if there's one thing I know about God working in your broken-ness, it's that it's not just for you.

And I'm hitting "publish" before I lose my nerve.